2005-07-18 - 11:46 p.m.

I wanted to let this place stay as it is, a tribute to my life as it was, before, having cleaned everything personal references of it away, and without adding much new. And I question this decision... the old life, the 'before' and now isn't always that black and white clean in difference, or rather black and white versus life in technicolor. Daily I remember the past, and daily I do compare my life to the before, this summer especially to a year ago. In June I suddenly felt depressed, a year here... now like last July, waiting to get what I want. Even if the basics of the existance (that are enough clear to the people who know me) have changed in this year, I still see myself a year ago, two, five, and so on ago, just small moments falling into the past.

I still have a part of my life where B is. It's not just the material I have left there. I do want to go and pick my stuff, and say hi to the people I know, who I have had nice time with, friends and so on. Having cut away the communication isn't something I ever wanted, but I find it hard to break the ice. I never wanted to hurt, ... and the silence hurts back. Useless to speculate if things would have happened otherwise. And to even point out how similar B and M even are - 95 % of the interests are the same, the movie tastes, foods, etc... it is probably a lot to ask, but hopefully one day they / we will see each other in peace, past having 'taken' me away of the life. There are pieces of my life hanging around there, yet be those only some items that I like and will want to have in my life here or where ever we will be, I rather see it as something bigger too. After all I was loved, I felt loved, and I enjoyed myself around there too; my life was there. It will need a proper leaving party, or a combined party for the 'after' (as opposed to before) as well.

There are moments of the same sadness as before, realizing my life is on the other side of the Ocean. There is the same impatience of being back home (where ever it will be), of feeling being at home. The house here is as home as a house can be, but my other part not being here burns my chest, or makes my lungs feel like I was a granite statue when I try to breath. I eat to survive, fall asleep in the lone candlelight, come over more stressed as ever, and can't wait for the 'after' to finally arrive. Which will be we being able to be in the same place, and a lot more, (yet even this is a lot more than needed for the public). I am still here. I have still not forgotten anything from the past. I am looking forward to get my life out of pieces to one, to not have my belongings there any more, and to be able live in one place, with the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Having chosen to live in a fairytale, there will be a happily ever after, many happily ever afters. I want B to find as much meaning (and more) in the life that I brang. A happily ever after like I and M want to have, killing the Dragons (the dark forces bringing sufference to people we love) for good and for ever.