2003-11-06 - 6:45 p.m.
The fashion guides what to wear seem to become too boring, too everyday, not enough selling. So someone had to invent What not to wear. Well, I'm looking for a What not to cook - cookbook, obviously the cookbooks have the same problem.
The idea is very simple. Don't wear ugly clothes or clothes that you don't like. Then follow the trendy tips that the authors give you. Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine are told everywhere to have a great fashion sense (at least the first pages of googling you find of them contain just book reviews). They have a very ... British taste. One of these girls works or worked for Harrodds, one slept with someone famouse when she was younger and thatshow she got to the fashion business, more or less. They criticize how the Princess Diane dressed, so that makes criticizing their own guidelines even fancier.
They have hilarious how-tos and how-not-tos. "Always wear a bra that fits you properly" .. wow. If anyone needs a bra, why would they use a wrong sized one? If you get fatter, get a bigger bra. Not worth mentioning in a fashion guide imho. "It is fine to show off your bra straps under spaghetti strapped tops and dresses, as long as the bra is pretty" .. well, british taste. If you want people to stare at your bra strips, show off your bra. "Flat-chested women, who's nipples show when they are wearing tops without a bra, should put plasters over their nipples or put foundation on them", "Wear 'chicken fillets' to fill out a top if you have small boobs"... hey, what's wrong with small boobs? "Always make sure your bra and knickers are lighter or the same colour as the clothes you're wearing." This sounds stupid. If I have to wear black ot other colors for whatever reason, it does not mean I have to wear black underwear. If I want to have bright yellow clothes and I can't show them off, excuse me but with all the pleasure I will enjoy bright yellow, lime or whatever color I enjoy underwear.
"Wear flesh-coloured underwear under white clothes or any outfit that is vaguely see-through". Aw. They are telling you those horrible light brown grandma-colored undies are in? I want to be out of fashion then. "If a skirt is see-through, but not figure-hugging, opt for big, flesh-coloured knickers rather than a thong" .. well, if you 'have to' wear a see-thru skirt on a date, why to wear any undies under it? Maximise your effort and wear a demimoore outfit (=nada) under.
"If you've got a large chest and are embarrassed to show off too much flesh in a v-necked top, wear a large necklace to cover the area" .. and make everyone stare at your flesh. If you got a large chest and are too embarassed to show it off, loose some weight would maybe be better? "Never wear a scarf or necklace over the top of a roll-neck jumper" .. why do these "never" things sell so well? Do I go to hell according to these ladies if I have a some kind of necklace with a stevejobsish turtleneck? "If you have a double chin or your face is chubby, opt for longer earrings" and look so 1980s. Maybe some lights and shades can do more. Without making you look 1980ish. "If you have a short neck, avoid large, choker-style necklaces." Gee, thanks. Who would not have figured that out with their common sense?
"Don't wear delicate, strappy heels if you have thick ankles" hm. "Trousers and jeans should fall to the bottom of the heel". Aw, mine never do. Why should they fall to the bottom of the heel? When I walk, they'd just become dirty. As far as I've seen, really rare women or men use that as their trouser length guideline. "Don't wear black shoes with light-coloured clothing unless the sandals are extremely dainty". Wait, I have 3 pairs of shoes. So, do I get rid of all colorful clothes or buy more shoes? I want my shoes to be black, period.
"Black shoes shouldn't be worn with brightly-coloured clothes as they cheapen the colours. Black shoes look best with darker colours" Aww. So casually when I wear a yellow shirt I look cheap? Not as cheap as I would do if I wore brown shoes.
"If you have thick ankles, avoid flat, ballerina-style shoes and ankle straps which cut across the ankle". Gee, one more of these common sense things. I could add as well "If you have big boobs or a big butt, don't show them off with your clothing."
"Neon and fluorescent colours should only be worn by people with olive-skin". Aw. My suggestion would be > 'You should only wear the colors you like and look good in, and forget what all the fashion-wannabe-gurus tell you to wear or not to wear'
Their before-afters are hilarious, but not as funny as in the book. In the book what not to wear pictures are horrible, exagerating and overdoing everything, really terrible and incredible ones. Compared to those whatever they suggest looks fine, and suggestions .. aww, I feel just fine with my stevewear black turtlenecks and jeans. No need to visit these ladies.
I just have to admit that I would expect something a bit more of someone who publicly criticizes the lack of taste Lady Di had. If you criticize someone else to not have taste, you should at least have a reasonable taste yourself. Look at what these ladies suggest in their whatnottowear-books and judge yourself. (yaaawn).
