2004-01-30 - 1:02 p.m.

Unix and terminal seem to be missing a fe man pages. These are a really old joke, but still.. :)

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MAN SEX

SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)

NAME

sex - have sex

SYNOPSIS

sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ...

DESCRIPTION

sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-

fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they

are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to

make things more interesting are as follows:

-1 masturbate

-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option

-b buggery

-B

bestiality with

-c chocolate sauce option

-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)

-d

get a date with the features described in

-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)

-f foreplay option

-F nasal sex with plants

-i coitus interruptus (messy!)

-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)

-l leather option

-m masochism (see -s)

-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option

-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program

kills it)

-o oral option

-O parallel access (orgy)

-p debug option (proposition only)

-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)

Printed 2/15/87 2/15/87 1

SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)

-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)

-s sadism (target must set -m)

-S sundae option

-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)

-w whipped cream option

-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)

ENVIRONMENT

LOVERS

is a list of default partners which will be used if

none are specified in the command line. If any are

specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.

FILES

/usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality

/usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates

/usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes

/usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment

SEE ALSO

baby(1)

BUGS

^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.

^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.

MAN AUTHOR

Author prefers to be anonymous.

HISTORY

Oldest program ever.

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MAN CONDOM

condom(1) Eunuch Programmer's Manual condom(1)

Name

condom - Protection against viruses and prevention of child processes

Synopsis

condom [options] [processid]

Description

_condom_ provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs) that

may invade your system. Although the spread of such viruses across a network

can only be abated by aware and cautious users, _condom_ is the only

highly-effective means of preventing viruses from entering your system (see

celibacy(1)). Any data passed to _condom_ by the protected process will be

blocked, as specified by the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below).

_condom_ is known to defend against the following viruses and other malicious

afflictions...

o AIDS

o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)

o Syphilis

o Crabs

o Genital warts

o Gonhorrea

o Chlamydia

o Michelangelo

o Jerusalem

When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and/or

setiud(3), _condom_ also prevents the conception of a child process. If invokedfrom within a synchronous process, _condom_ has, by default, an 80% chance of

preventing the external processes from becoming parent processes (see the -s

option below). When other process contraceptives are used, the chance of

preventing a child process from being forked becomes much greater. See pill(1),sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information.

If no options are given, the current user's login process (as determined by

the environment variable USER) is protected with a Trojan rough-cut latex condomwithout a reservoir tip. The optional 'processid' argument is an integer

specifying the process to protect.

Note: _condom_ may only be used with a hard disk. _condom_ will terminate

abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below).

Options

The following options may be given to _condom_...

-b BRAND BRANDs are as follows...

trojan (default)

ramses

sheik

goldcoin

fourex

-m MATERIAL The valid MATERIALs are...

latex (default)

saranwrap

membrane -- WARNING! The membrane option is _not_ endorsed by the System

Administrator General as an effective barrier against certain viruses.

It is supported only for the sake of tradition.

-f FLAVOR The following FLAVORs are currently supported...

plain (default)

apple

banana

cherry

cinnamon

licorice

orange

peppermint

raspberry

spearmint

strawberry

-r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)

-s STRENGTH STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the

resilience of _condom_ against data passed to _condom_ by the protected

process. Using a larger value of STRENGTH increases _condom_'s

protective abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication. A

smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess communication, but also

increases the likelihood of a security breach. An extremely vigorous

process or one passing an enormous amount of data to _condom_ will

increase the chance of _condom_'s failure. The default STRENGTH is 80%.

-t TEXTURE Valid TEXTUREs are...

rough (default)

ribbed

bumps

lubricated (provides smoother interaction between processes)

Warning: The use of an external application to _condom_ in order to reduce

friction between processes has been proven in benchmark tests to decrease

_condom_'s strength factor! If execution speed is important to your process,

use the '-t lubricated' option.

Diagnostics

_condom_ terminates with one of the following exit codes...

-1 An attempt was made to use _condom_ on a floppy disk.

0 _condom_ exited successfully (no data was passed to the synchronous

process).

1 _condom_ failed and data was allowed through. The danger of transmission

of an STV or the forking of a child process is inversely proportional to

the number of other protections employed and is directly proportional to

the ages of the processes involved.

Bugs

_condom_ is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process from being forked

or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although the System Administrator

General has deemed that _condom_ is the most effective means of preventing the

spread of system transmitted viruses). See celibacy(1) for information on a

100% effective program for preventing these problems.

Remember... the use of sex(1) and other related routines should only occur

between mature, consenting processes. If you must use sex(1), please employ

_condom_ to protect your process and your synchronous process. If we are all

responsible, we can stop the spread of STVs.

See Also

celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3)